Everything is different and heartbreaking.
So much has changed since you left me. It isn’t the way I see the world; it’s how I experience the world without you in it. It’s strange to be stuck, reliving our moments together, vs. making new ones.
What happens when I run out of these moments and watch as the people around me truly move on, while I continue in our shared past?
I can’t change back to the person you were helping me become. I feel like half a person who is in this world alone.
It’s heartbreaking to be this alone.
It still doesn’t feel real. Especially on days like today, when I wear your sweater and think about how much you loved holidays, big and small.
You loved to dress up for Halloween, decorate for Christmas, sing people happy birthday, you made a room come to life. It feels strange to be in the world in your clothes without you.
I can’t find the same level of joy without being able to tell you why I’m happy. I can’t take comfort in a decision being the right one without your input. I can’t rest at night having not heard your voice or said I love you, that day.
I know, I’m different now and people see it on me. They see the difference that sorrow create because I wear it daily. They can see through my smile, hear the echo of heartbreak in my voice, or feel the frustration in my actions.
It’s hard to find my footing when it feels like the world has come undone under my feet. Like my worst fears are coming true with every moment I move farther away from you, from us.
It isn’t shocking that I’ve changed, that the world I live in has changed. I knew the moment you started to slip away that my world was going with you.
That the life we had together was being immortalized to the past.
What I grieve is the future we had planned, the holidays we would celebrate, the laughs we could have had and the relationship we were building.
It feels like we were robbed.
Like I was robbed.
When I wear your clothes and look in the mirror it takes my breath away. I don’t look like you but I can see you in my smile on those days, over my shoulder.
I find myself worrying about day when the clothes won’t fit or they’re ruined with coffee or wine. I worry that my heart will continue to break with everyday I move closer to a world where the people around me don’t know you or remember you.
On days like today, I remember you and simply try to keep myself upright, because the only person who can help heal this pain is you.
Love Ray
